good day/bad day

I wish I could just step outside and go for a run every time I had a sad moment. It's so hard not to get lost in them, and let them ruin your day. Sometimes we have good days. Sometimes we have bad days. What's nice to remember - whatever kind of day it is - is that it will end, you'll have a nice rest, wake up, and it will be a new day.

The day can change too. A visit from a friend or enjoying a great meal, can turn your bad day into a good day. Unfortunately it can fluctuate the other way too. But the day's ableness to have that roller coaster - that flexibility in the day, is a blessing.
For me, it's running. I don't know what it is about it that's so amazing. Health for the body and health for the mind. Release of endorphins. Accomplishment. Control. It's all good. I've recently discovered the magic of running ... outside. Perhaps its just that good ol' concept of humans being outdoors, where we belong, where we were meant to be. Inside our houses we are surrounded by everything artificial; reminders of who and what and how we are "supposed" to be. Who we are and who we were. What makes us happy and what makes us sad. Pressures to have this or accomplish that. Millions of items that we let define us and control who we are. But outside - we are where we are supposed to be, free of all those things and expectations. Outside we get to just b.e.

feels like a twist

And then there was Dan. dot. dot. dot.
There's nothing like keeping in touch with someone. It's a very warm feeling, to stay up late talking to someone you knew a while ago; and you don't talk often, but you know that you like them and they like you and maybe it was some kind of fate that you ended up talking for a while. Or maybe it was just, just what you needed.

It has a way of reminding you that there's a lot out there still; it instills some odd hope, a big grin, and a little blush to your cheeks, that you really needed tonight before you fell asleep.

A year and a half ago we had met. Something else in my life right now has a lingering 3 year label on it. A year and a half ago seems like forever. 3 years ago seems ridiculous. The break/interterm before my freshman spring semester. Is that really so? Gosh I was so different. So many less experiences; I hadn't met most of the people who've made up the past 3 years yet. 5 housing/living situations ago. It gives me nerves. 3 years from n.o.w.? I have one semester left, but then will those experiences that have made up the past 3 years slow down?

There's also this: this past year has been so focused and narrow, that maybe I missed alot, chances of growth, and now I don't get to look back and say- wow in February I was so different -I wasn't, I don't feel different. But July 08, now that was different, before the f.o.c.u.s. Maybe it has just been something different, a different way of it all happening, a different thing happening, something new.

Then there's the reality of this thought.
let go of 3 years from now.

cool runnings

It means peace be the journey.
And why don't they make movies like that anymore? Inspiration, humor, chill Jamaican vibe, bright outfits, good music, no rom-com plot to make you feel like crap about your not so perfect love life.
I love it. a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y.

It reminds you to rise above it. whatever it is: your recent heartbreak, your biggest fear, latest let down, racism, prejudice, confrontation, failure. It's not as big as you. Rise. Above. It.

The journey is peaceful. There are bumps though. And yeah, some are big bumps that last a long time. It's okay if they last a really long time, it's fine, they'll do that. Everyone has bumps and everyone is okay. And everyone, actually, is a little fucked up too.

that last one was for me today.

There's your trouble

They say, time heals everything. Well I'm still waiting.

And then you
Close one door so another one can open.

Shenpa

you cannot change the other person. you can take care of yourself.
possibly the most valuable two sentences I've read in college.

I watched my thoughts go by for six hours on the airplane today. our minds can change so quickly, our thoughts come and go so instantaneously. How do we subconsciously chose which ones to hang on to? We have some sort of tendency to hook onto the ones that feel good. To attach ourselves to the thoughts that feel nice as they go by, even if they are toxic. Even if they cause suffering.

If you were to look up the word Shenpa in a Tibetan dictionary it would say: attachment. But that definition does little to express the magnitude of the word and the effect it has on us.
Read up on Pema Chodron if you're interested.
I like to think of my own shenpa hooks as really long creepy looking fingernails - that reach out and cling to thoughts or experiences I don't want to let go of, or watch pass.
With an open mind and an open heart we can retract our shenpa hooks and be awake and present. Be compassionate to others, and take care of ourselves. Retracting those hooks? Easier said than done. Of course.

As I watched my thoughts go across my mind on that airplane, and hook onto so many of them that caused me pain, I thought about that pain, and what would make it go away.
It was that realization; that thing I read last week; that thing I wrote down and pasted on my bathroom mirror because something in me knew. You cannot change the other person. So t.r.u.e. These thoughts, what were they doing? Nothing! Nothing but causing me suffering. Hooking onto them, thinking about them, wallowing in them, being upset about them, it did not change the situation in the least. So what could be done? Unhook and take care of m.y.s.e.l.f.

how's this for positive

I'm in this phase.

Starting to feel hope again, longing to move on, looking for every light that lies ahead promising a smile, or a laugh, or some cure for every rope that pulls me back into the memories filled with emotions. The ones I miss, the ones that bring tears.

Running head first for the other end of this phase. Wanting to be done with this, to not feel this anymore, for it to be over and to be content again. Who's to say though - how long this will last.
And who's to say it's even a phase. It's just a part of me now. "Accept it, be friends with it" say my interpretation of my favorite Tibetan Buddhists. Well, I'm trying, I'm trying damn hard.

My friend, my sister told me: no worries. just go through this phase and experience cool new shit.

Okay.

carry on my wayward son

You know when you come face to face with something. Something you've been avoiding, ignoring, pretending doesn't exist. And in that, you're feeling pretty okay; almost hopeful again. Then BAM. Somehow, you find yourself staring at it.
And it hurts. so. bad.

And for 10 minutes you cry your soul out of your body. You can't imagine that it could ever be okay. Wish you could erase that knowledge, that vision. Maybe ignorance is bliss - but that just can't be healthy for your soul. Not for mine anyways.

It's not always easy to do what's best for you. It's such a conflicting feeling, wanting and knowing better. It's SO HARD to not feel sad, and to believe that if you just keep going you WILL be okay. Well. you will. I will. It's nearly impossible to believe that this hurt will go away. This giant torn open thing inside of you will cease to cause you pain and eat up every ounce of energy in your mind. I promise you it will, mostly because I need someone to promise me.

Carry on. There'll be peace when you are done.

My hope comes from this. So much can change in such little time. I had no idea that the next day I would meet him and he would turn my world upside down. I didn't see the heartbreak coming either. So who knows what's around the corner. Next month, 3 months, 5 months from now? Maybe happiness. Maybe pink castles and rainbows and butterflies again. But better. Because I'm me n.o.w.
And now me has gone through this, and is one day past, one ounce stronger.

why do we run

Why do we run ... naked?
We've just spent 15 weeks playing the full time role of a student. Spent 15 weeks suppressing our freedom and conforming to the world of academia in exchange for some hopeful "success." Once you've gotten there, nothing sounds more appealing than stripping down and celebrating who we are: ourselves that we've forgotten: the people that had gotten temporarily lost, and we can now celebrate finding again.
And we can do it t.o.g.e.t.h.e.r.

Last night I ran away from the semester in my underwear. Today I put my leggings, boots, and favorite scarf from Ecuador on and am running away from this place. This place which has contained me and everything I've e.x.p.e.r.i.e.n.c.e.d this year. I couldn't be more ready to take the experiences with me - out of the context of where it all happened. To help ease that transition of becoming a part of me - recognizing and accepting the new, subtle changes.

love actually

At the end of my human sexuality class the cluster of reading materials were centered around love, relationships, and spirituality. With my current relationship pains resting in the forefront of my brain I opted out of most of the readings and refused to academically write the paper. I ended up turning in much more of a journal entry with random quotes from the two I managed to swallow. I just didn't want to deal with it all. Writing the "paper" ended up being such a release and felt so good that it is what inspired the start up of this blog anyways.

We got to this discussion in class. One girl explained that she felt that the readings had taught her how to love.

What.How.Absurd.
Are we taught to love? Is it something we learn? Or is it something that's always within us.

I want to argue that LOVE is a human quality. Something we're born with, something that is a part of us always. Comparative to a stomach, or bones, a brain, a nose. It's something we have. A part of us.

We have to learn to take care of our love, cultivate it, and be mindful of it. Perhaps we'll meet certain people in our lives and they will awaken (an aspect of) our love, and we will experience it. Romantic (my favorite, probably most peoples favorite), loyalty, trust, family, friendship - these are all aspects of love that we can feel because of the love we have.

If we don't take care of our love, it can be harmful to us.

L.O.V.E as a part of our being is also the love we have for ourselves. The way we take care of it and relate to it is the way we love ourselves.

Wake up to the love you have. Experience it. Take care of it. Love yourself.

First.

For the first time I'm starting to feel the meaning of the word s.u.r.v.i.v.e.
I have done it. Surviv-ed my hardest semester of college. Surviv-ing this break up. Felt my highest high and my lowest low. Two new extreme feelings for the first time ever. Two new parts of me.
Survive. Endure. I'm not sure exactly, I just know I've made it to the end of this...segment. this...chapter. The hardest one yet.
What happens to these experiences, they don't just get erased. This is how we become who we are.
What does it mean to "get through" something? And what happens after?

I've just spent a lot of time suffering. Feeling sad about a relationship ending, refusing to let go of it, feeling stressed about schoolwork, feeling anxious and scared about the preparation I'm doing for post graduation. And then I didn't want to suffer anymore. I have these new feelings coming out of this experience and I haven't known how to cope with them. Okay, so I'm done being unhappy, but now what? Who am I now after all that. When we emerge again after being lost in some experience, when we have survived, how do we find ourselves again? How do we adjust to the subtle changes? On Friday someone told me "it's like a new part of you, and now you're just adjusting to that" - THAT made sense.

We're like trees. And then all of a sudden there's a new new branch popping out of your side and when you look to it you think what! what's that? where did that come from and that's part of me now? okay... And you adjust, keep going, just with a new part of you; a new branch.

Is that what growing up is? Is that what e.x.p.e.r.i.e.n.c.e. is? Is that what e.x.p.e.r.i.e.n.c.e. feels like?
Is this the process of how we've become who we are and how we will become who we will be..
These are the things that become a part of us.