change

I'm switching to tumblr. I hope my dad can still comment.


smiles4peace.tumblr.com

practice makes perfect

stillness, peace of mind, calming down.

All ideals. Things you want; say you have.

Then you start to practice.
Practice stillness, practice peace of mind, practice calming your body.
Practicing these things, is different. so. different. than thinking about these things.
Life changing really.

If you don't practice? How can you do/get these things when you want to?
It doesn't make sense at all.

My first day she said "I don't understand how people don't do yoga"
Now I understand exactly what she meant. And I don't get it either.

the ways you're manifested throughout my life

Started packing to move out of Orange today. Packing could also mean organizing the past past four years and filtering what will make it to the next chapter and what ends here.

I found my journal. I started this almost a year ago. I didn't want to read it, or reminice. I've had plans in my mind to throw away this journal for a few weeks now. I knew exactly what was in it. A struggle. You weren't supposed to be the topic of this journal, but you were.

I flipped to the last page I had written on, just to see the last time I wrote. It was marked Feb 10. And I had written.
"I am happier now."

and so it ends there

this time around

finding peace among chaos. peace among adrenaline.

In yoga, we practice engaging in focus and great intensity for one minute or 30 seconds at a time, then coming back to peace and rest for 20 seconds. And going back and forth between this intense mental and physical struggle and peace, rest, and relaxation. The more I practice this on my mat, I can feel my soul practicing this off the mat.
(It helps to stay out of crisis)

You might just be my person. You email me, we talk, I see your name, I hear your voice; my heart races. My body freezes. My mind goes chaotic. (still.) But, now I come back. I'm in a better place for you now. After the moment of adrenaline, stress, struggle, chaos; after you fill up my mind for a moment, you don't anymore. and - I come back.

Perhaps you are another posture to practice. Or something like that.

then shit got real

My roommate just moved out. for the summer. She's coming back next year, but I won't be here.
The reality is setting in. Summer is here. This year is over.

A while ago (probably around when I started this blog) I didn't think I would make it to this day. I couldn't imagine what it would look like. It wasn't real. It didn't have a picture. It didn't exist.

I can't believe I'm here again. Alone, in this house during the summer. Nothing to do. Too much freedom. With feelings, ooh the feelings. All to similar to the feelings I felt last time I was here; like this. Same feelings of loneliness, confusion, roller coaster waves, and you. It feels eerily the same.

At least this time I know what to do with them.

a card

Life Lesson No. 15

Do what you love...

It's what the world needs from you...
it's what you were meant to do.

on graduation

I am a sociology major. I love sociology, I live sociology, I breathe sociology, I see it everywhere and in everything. I have learned sociology. My life is sociology and I love it.

Top things I've learned in sociology.
1. life is unfair.
2. everyone is crazy and weird but whatever society you grew up in thinks its okay. you're fine.
3. white men rule the world, and probably always will. If you're a minority women - you're screwed.
4. sociology has given me a heart; made me empathetic; taught me to walk in other people's shoes and want to listen to their stories and give value to every voice.
5. women have internalized their oppression so much that most don't even know it
4. question everything. media, books, images, words, everything you take in. What is the bias? What is the motivation? No one and no thing is objective. Question everything. Question reality.
5. everyone wants control.
6. theory is foundation.
7. Tibetan buddhists got it right. If I ever go to Tibet, I doubt I'll return.
8. no matter how you look at it, we're greedy. people commit suicide when times are good because they can't get happy enough.
9. people are animals, we only pretend not to be (relate to number 2)
10. believe in yourself. your experience is the only one that matters. everyone lives in their own world and you are just a part of some one else's and they are yours. believe and follow your heart.

"A mind that questions everything, unless strong enough to bear the weight of its ignorance, risks questioning itself and being engulfed in doubt. If it cannot discover the claims to existence of the objects of its questioning -- and it would be miraculous if it so soon succeeded in solving so many mysteries -- it will deny them all reality, the mere formulation of the problem already implying an inclination to negative solutions. But in so doing it will become void of all positive content and, finding nothing which offers it resistance, will launch itself perforce into the emptiness of inner revere." Emile Durkheim

you are stronger than you think

I pulled off the band aid. I'm glad I did, but it still hurts.

I have understanding now. I'm not angry anymore, I'm not upset, I'm not confused. Everything is fine now. I don't feel unwell anymore. But. I feel like we just broke up a gain. Being peaceful with you brings that, and it makes me feel sad. I feel so loud, and I want these emotions to quiet down.

(skinny love)

They will.

How do we go (on) from here?

It'll pass, probably.

expect love

Maybe I'm too hard on my friends.
When I am wholeheartedly genuine and kine, and give my love and loyalty always - I expect that back.

I've recently come up with a few rules for real friends.
1. do NOT leave a club without telling your best friend you are leaving - even if you didn't come with them
2. you don't get to be mad at a friend for something they did when they were drunk - especially if they were crying and/or upset
3. always check to make sure they got home okay
4. if they were upset the night before, care enough to ask if they are okay later. no matter what happened.
5. don't pretend you have time for a friend if you don't. just make time when you have it and be honest.

HMM.. is that really too much to ask?

When someone is so special and so genuine to you, can't you give it back

laying in bed all day causes trouble

tell me that writing you was not a mistake.
tell me that I'm stronger now.
tell me that I'm smarter than I was before.
tell me that you care.
tell me that I can let go easier now.
tell me that I've learned.
tell me that I don't care as much as I feel it coming on.
tell me I'm stronger now, tell me I'm better.
tell me that it had and has to be dealt with sometime, anyways.
tell me that it was going to happen - that it had to.
tell me that it wast not a mistake.

it was not a mistake
it was going to happen
there's too much. just so much.

random

Perhaps this is the calm before the storm. I hope not. I don't think I can endure another storm.

I haven't felt this calm in forever. I'm not worried about finding a job, or stressed about moving. Maybe I really am starting to believe that everything really will be okay.

This is the weirdest time of my life so far. upon graduation. I don't know how to deal with closing this chapter that I'm either ignoring it, or being okay with it. Either way, I'm staying present and just enjoying every minute. And it's pretty good.

Every body needs a day of rest anyways.

when you get the chance

I woke up this morning at ... too early. Feeling like crap. Feeling sick, tight, sore, just horrible. I haven't done yoga or worked out all week, and I've eaten terribly.
I threw on my workout clothes with every intention of going to the gym after I met for my group project.
It's windy outside. It's making my chest tight, my head ache, and my throat kill.

Forget it. I drove home instead of to 24 hour fitness. And made lunch.

Now, I'm sitting in my bed, watching the view, eating a shrimp salad at 10am. And I couldn't feel happier or love myself more right now. After this I'm going to shower and go shopping, even thought I should be on a budget.
Some days, you just gotta do what you want. What you really want.

Some days, you gotta dance.

True, I might have days like these all too much. I have two responses to that right now.
1. so?
2. oh well.

take me home

I've been meaning to write.
I've been wanting to write... something.

I can't believe I've been doing this for 5 months now. Wow. over time. I'm really taken back.

I can't seem to figure out what the words are right now. This is all I have for me: Country Roads

The rest will be soon to follow.

honesty is the best policy

even if it sucks for while

at least you have to had done the right thing.

true

I love yoga. I love exercising too-going for runs and such. Sometimes, a lot lately, I've been a little UN-motivated. It's just that sleep feels so good...and so on.
And then, when I sleep all afternoon instead of practicing yoga for an hour and a half, I hate myself all day long for it.
When my job search is unmotivated because I keep finding myself applying for jobs I don't want and pretending I'm someone I'm not, I hate myself all day long for it.

So that's it. I'm following my own mantra even though I didn't practice today. let it go. Enjoy what you're doing.
I cooked lunch, I'm watching will and grace, I'm doing a facemask, and I'm going to finish this book :-) What's so bad about that?

he said the earth needed this cleansing and I said so did we

Today while it rained outside I was inside. Inside practicing, meditating, and sweating. I was practicing being inside that room.

When a thought comes to your mind let it go. If you feel nauseous or dizzy, let it go. whatever comes up; let. it. go. And that shall be my mantra...or something.

I've been trying to figure out what I want out of the next fewplus weeks. I've been trying to plan for after them, and I've been trying to enjoy them. All at the same time. I've been overwhelmed.

Stay cleansed and stay fresh. Whatever that means for you. For me it means exercise and health. For you maybe something different. Stay energized. Stay inspired. It'll help you stay present = that is what I want out of the next fewplus weeks.

If I am here I want to stay here, not outside of here where it is raining. Just here where I am being. Whatever comes up let it go and come back here.


That's nice and airy for you

taking a swim

I've decided to become a pescatarian. Until graduation.
I see it as an interest. I'm interested in my health, I'm interested in taking care of animals ... have you SEEN Food Inc?

I'm excited. It's something I can do for myself. To honor myself, my body, the earth, some animals. hah.

Last night I spent time with some of my friends that I l.o.v.e. and wondered if when we're all done here, I'll ever have friends like this again.
Maybe
these are my friends like that. They'll be those friends forever .. I mean, we're 22. It's time that something lasts. And doesn't get erased when we move forward.
If this really is the beginning of the the rest...I want to start it here, with them.

something about trusting the process

For the past for years trust the process has been a moto of mine.
So last fall I put myself out there. Applying to jobs and schools to give myself options. I'd go day to day back and forth not knowing which option I wanted, actually wanted. I didn't know what I wanted or what was right. At that point, I was hoping things would just fall into place, and I was trusting that the answer will fall into my lap and the decision will be made for me.

Well now I'm there. And it feels a bit uneasy.
Perhaps the answer that fell into my lap didn't look the way I thought it would.
But. This is what I asked for. I planned on trusting the process and going with whatever option fell into place. And now here I am. not trusting the process.
What's wrong with me!? Why can't I accept this? Why can't I continue to trust the process? I want to so bad, but it just feels off. And it's uncomfortable and it's frustrating.
I'm going to try though. If that's enough. This is what fell into place. It'll be right. I'll make it right. This is where the process led.

change blows until we learn to breathe

Ashton says this just so right. (ps this is a link!)

namaste

what would it be like if we all truly honored ourselves;
actually listened to our own souls.
We might just care more for one another. be more understanding, more compassionate, and act more honorably towards the souls of our friends and of strangers.
We just might take care of ourselves
and those we know
and those we don't know
and the world in which we live in.

And we might just notice the earth.

It's just the universe. no. big. deal.

dog days

We don't have to be perfect. We don't have to say we've moved on, let go completely, will never think of him/her/it/that/those days/last year/etc ever again.
If we do, and we get sad, if we cry, if we stay in bed a while. It's okay.

What's important is that we know how to not get stuck there. Get sad, think about him, cry. But in a while, return to the present - and dance. After all, it is a part of us. It exists, no reason to ignore it. We can't pretend it has gone away or disappeared. Whether we like it or not, it's there, it's very there. It's a part of us no matter what. It's a branch. We. Have. Baggage. That's fine. That's usual. That's part of us. That's part of life. Experiences. And what they leave behind. What they make of us. Appreciate whatever it has left behind - even the difficult leftovers. For everyone difficult leftover there's a beautiful one too. Afterall you wouldn't be where you are now if something before hadn't happened.
The crap allows for the good stuff to grow.

But make yourself happy when you can; when you're in the present, enjoy it :-) Work out, do yoga, eat chipotle. Whatever it is. Dance. Smile. Laugh. Roll in the grass. Do it.

a turn of events we wouldn't have chosen for ourselves

this is giving me a headache.
working so hard to set up the next chapter of my book. my life. Which I'm not convinced is the chapter I should be writing. But I guess It will write itself before I do.
It's difficult to plan the future and still be here in what is now. But I want to set myself up for success, I want this chapter to be perfect - but it already isn't, and I guess it'll unfold as it should. I want to say trust the process. But I'm not strong enough yet. I guess I can't know how it'll turn out and there's no way for me to know that or pre-form it.

I just don't feel ready for the next chapter yet. But I don't have to be. It hasn't begun yet. I should probably finish this one, and when this one is complete I will be ready for the next one. I just will be. When it's actually here. And not one page before.

everyone togeter

If you're struggling, the person next your is probably is too.
Help each other. Energize each other.

It just feels better this way

I've been trying to write this post for a while. So I'm finally sitting down with possibly one of the best salads I've ever made to do it.

I've taken up bikram yoga. It's changing my life. I haven't felt this good in so. so. long. Finally, a way to let it go.

There's something about taking 90 minutes a day for.your.self. For your mind. Your body. Your health. Your emotional baggage. and to just let it all go. sweat it out. get it out. work through it. The toxins, the bad energy, the negative, the sad, the destructive, the struggle. Struggle through it, you just have to go through this. Then let it go. and be here now. enjoy this. Spend 90 minutes working hard, working on yourself, so after you can let it go and enjoy the world.

It's amazing. It's energizing. It's recharging. It's reminding. It's self loving. It's taking care of yourself. All of yourself.


It's something I can do for myself. And there's something about just that, that feels so damn good. Even when I'm tired and don't want to get out of bed. I know how good this feels.

You have to take care of yourself. If it makes you feel bad, don't go there. If it makes you feel good, go there. Make yourself feel good. You deserve it. Why wouldn't you?
We're supposed to feel this way.

One of my most favorite people in the world is a tall skinny Japanese woman named Kimiko. She's quiet and funny. She's strong and she's smart. And she once told me "take care of your shit."

glimpse

The past two weeks I've been forced into the role I believe I'll play next in life. Forced being key word. It was uncomfortable. of course. What's more uncomfortable is coming back to where I am n.o.w. and adjusting to being here as me n.o.w. having started to discover another, a new, part of me.
How will they combine?

So this is transition. How maturing. How confusing. How un-settling.
I guess, it's kind of, in a way, exciting. It's something to be proud of. It's something that is MINE. I can feel it, I can embrace it, I can be terrified of it, and I can love it. I can feel it. It's mine. It's me. s

professor

In class she asked what's your definition of a soulmate?
Some say they didn't believe, some wanted to.
I said I wasn't sure, because of impermanence. When it changes; I change, they change, they leave, we're not together - what does that mean? What does that make them?
But I know they exist. They don't mean forever, they mean for our soul.

She said, someone who comes into our life. Someone who makes a significant change or impact on your life. Soul changing. Soul shifting. Soul impacting. Soul connecting.

Any significant change or impact in your life is going to be uncomfortable. Of course it's going to be uncomfortable, she said with a giggle. Of course.

Perhaps then he was. Perhaps then, I've had a few.

talk the talk

Why do we go to others for relationship advise? We never take it and it usually upsets us.
NO ONE is as familiar with our feelings as we are.

So thanks for pointing out my dating patterns, my tendencies, and my flaws for that matters. But doesn't it always result like this: and who are you to give relationship advise anyways!?
So what good is it. Why can't we trust ourselves? Where is this anxiety coming from?

Getting hurt in the past.
Not wanting to make that mistake over again.
Don't want to push him away.
Don't want to lose him.
Hold on to your head.
Don't lose yourself.
Don't. be. vulnerable.

Maybe, just maybe. We could try to take ourselves less seriously ... and this time, don't ask anyone for permission. Yes, it's okay.

suds

I don't know how necessary it is in life to be strong.
I do know that it's important to feel strong.
The most important thing is not to conquer, but to fight well.

I wish love were enough.
It should be right? But then there's life, and that silly thing seems to get in the way. So maybe not.
I want so bad for it to be enough.
But it's just not.
And it's not everything - it's just one tinsy aspect of life. Okay, maybe it's not tinsy - its effecting and affecting - it's big...er, but it's not everything. Love itself will not bring happiness. Love does not equal happiness. And in so many ways it didn't. It brought me isolated happiness. And that surely is not everything. Love in all aspects. Be happy in all aspects. All life encompassing. Complete. Everything. Whole. That is what I n.o.w. am in search of. I don't want just him. He doesn't come with everything else. I want the world too.


There's no better way to start over than to take a shower. Wash. It. Off.

casual

When you're free to experience what you're actually feeling, and no emotions are being forced on you - why do we wait? I feel like I'm waiting for the next turn or drop in the roller coaster - but there's none in sight. This should be a good thing. This is a good thing. I don't feel it. I don't feel anything.

I GET to not think about it, I just don't have to. I GET to not ask questions this time, or be desperate for answers. This should feel free.

But it doesn't.
I feel so oddly restricted;by myself, the walls and boundaries I've created as defense mechanisms. These are a part of me now and so is what put them there. It can't be ignored - but I'm longing to go beyond them, to their other side.


But,
Today is my Grandma's birthday. So today I will be free.

come and go

giving someone everything. it's such an interesting thing we do when we fully trust and love someone. And when proof they're gone? Then what?

We try to hold on to that part of us that they brought out. We can't be who we became for them anymore. It's time to go back to us, (find it if you're lost), and remind ourselves who we were before they came. Take back those pieces they stole - and be so happy that they're back.

It's a funny thing being present. When you think about being present, you're not there. I've spent so much time not being present lately. I want to come back - maybe when I stop trying I'll return.

skinny love

say hello
then
say good bye to this moment of worry.

I should be excited and happy and bubbly. Maybe its the rain, maybe the change, maybe the hangover. Never can tell.

what to do what to do

take a nap. laugh. start over. give it a shrug. give yourself a hug. keep on going.

lost and found

If there's one thing I've gotten out of watching LOST it is this:
lives can change.

I've been on break for six weeks; trying to recover and piece myself back together. It feels good to move on, to keep going - finally.
I was out dancing on my branch but I'm crawling back to the tree and it feels like home and I'm starting to feel confident here again. It is so amazing to love yourself.

Well here goes.

veggies and dip

in the words of Alanis
life has a funny way of helping you out.

I've been enjoying my vegging. possibly too much.
am I just catching up? Or am I avoiding?
I usually think too much. And now, I've decided that I don't want to suffer. So I'm making the choice to let it be.
I don't know if that's bad...but who's to say really? There's no "way" I'm supposed to go about things - so I'll try this for a while. It feels fine for now.
Who cares if there's complicated baggage, unanswered questions, and unsettled thoughts.
It feels fine for now.

When I'm upset I let myself be upset. So when I feel fine, why not...just feel fine?
Enjoy feeling fine. Hasn't happened a lot recently.
Get used to it again :-)
"The beauty of life is experiencing yourself" I read that once on a tea bag.

loop

I'm not sure how to process this one, I'm wondering if it's okay to ignore this one.

So you want to talk about bands and music festivals, but not how you are, or how I am, or what happened...cool. fine. You're a jerk, already knew that.

But what WAS that? ...really.

Am I ignoring dealing with this? Or am I choosing that I don't want to be upset and for once -just letting it be.
I'd like to chose the latter.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I feel so oddly lost again. But I just keep thinking that I don't want to deal with it, it's not worth it. is that bad? I mean, what is the point really.

Just go on.
Keep going.
why not. . .

No one can tell you how to handle any situation anyways. Your situation is your own. There's no right way. I'm always afraid that I'll make the wrong decision, handle some situation the "wrong" away, and by doing the "wrong" thing I'm screwing something up or missing out on something or loosing something. But that's just not right.
must. remember. to. know. better.

step at a time

she said I feel like you're Sheryl again.
I said Me too.

I may be a little fucked up now.
I may have some new walls, and some new issues.
I still have feelings, and I'm not over it.
I still don't want to let go.

But

I know that this feels better.

state of mind

oh. hello there 2010. how are you?
I'm quite positive thank you very much.

Maybe there's a point we get to, where we are just tired of freaking out. And so we decide, and we just stop.

And when you keep thinking I'm doing everything I should, why isn't this working.
Take a step back. Keep giving it the time. Stop judging yourself. Spend time with good people that make you feel good. Feel comfortable. Sleep. Eat ice cream. Go to Vegas.
You'll see. It's worked. It's been working. And it'll keep working.

I usually try to avoid thinking about new years. What - just because it's January you get to, or have to, start over? What if I'm not ready. Well, this time, it was kind of a push I needed that I didn't know I needed. And thank god. I'm thankful that it involved my two sisters and college roommates. The two people that will always make sense, and never fail a laugh or fun time. They will a.l.w.a.y.s. be just what I need. My sisters.

Tomorrow I adventure. I'm going to Washington DC to visit a dear friend and explore the city. Perhaps a test - to see if I can really do this in the near future.
I. am. so. excited.
Have you ever had that feeling? I'm about to fall in love.
I am in love with hope.